im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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