dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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