the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
