A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
