dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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