she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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