my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Randomize
