it wasn't lemon gatorade
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
