so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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