explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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