My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
