Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
