Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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