her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
