Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
