I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Randomize
