No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
