He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
