we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I FOUND THE LEGS
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
