god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
