he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
he puts the penis in happiness.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
