I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
