that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
