Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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