I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
