heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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