My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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