I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
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