did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
