I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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