You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
