so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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