Have you finally orgasmed yet?
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
