i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
