I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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