he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
