Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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