just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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