At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
