We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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