upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
