grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
