The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
