the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
i was born a porn star she said
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
