Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
