just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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