We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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