Grow some girl-balls and come out already
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
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