walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
