why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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