This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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