After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
