I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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