Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
