i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
