stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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