Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Randomize
