she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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