can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
